While the “terrible twos” are indeed a reality, they are by no means inevitable.
Isn’t that a lovely thought? Now let's try this description of a “well-developed” three-year-old on for size:
- She is happy...rather than being a chronic complainer.
- She is secure and comfortable with all people nearly all the time.
- She is able to share and be content with equal treatment.
- She is civil and accepts her parents’ authority...except under extraordinary circumstances. (Illness or extreme fatigue.)
- She is socially competent.
- She is able to express her feelings easily [in socially acceptable ways].
- She is able both to lead and to follow another child her own age.
- She is aware of what a “good job” is and confident that she is capable of performing well.
And what if I further suggest that most of these characteristics are in place by age two
, and only refined in the year between the second and third birthdays. That a well-developed two year old rarely if ever has tantrums, is reasonable, and can be taken out in public without parental nervousness.
So, you may be asking yourselves, does Mary actually believe
all this? And for my part, I’m wondering how many of you think this is completely pie-in-the-sky nonsense, designed only to torture normal parents with needless guilt.
These are all quotes and concepts taken from a book I finished this week. Yes, I believe all this. No, it’s not nonsense. Given a child with no developmental handicap, EVERY parent can have a cheerful, happy, largely obedient two year old. Every single one.
So what is the book that promises such heaven on earth? It called “Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child”, by a long time favourite author of mine, Burton White. This book is terrific. Easy to read, easy to follow. Each chapter covers a stage of your child's social development. There is no doubt, when you come to the end of a chapter, what your child's interests are likely to be at that stage, what its pitfalls are, and how best to manage it to produce the paragon outlined above.
(I have only three quibbles with the book: I think he suggests starting toilet-training a bit early; I would modify his contention that no parent should be at home full-time with an 8 to 22 month old child; and I think his advice on dealing with sleep problems is absolutely, dead WRONG. The first and the last issues are minor points in the book, taking no more than eight pages of 238. The second point is a theme that runs through the book, but as I say, while I don’t accept it 100%, I can see his point of view, and would only add a corollary or two to make it acceptable to my perspective.)
Those are minor issues, though, given the wealth of sound, sensible, grounded advice in this book. I strongly suggest you all go out and take it out of your local library. (I hardly ever buy a book I haven’t been able to try on for size first!) And then: buy it, apply it, and love it. The man is brilliant.
How does one achieve this parental nirvana? Here are some pointers:
Birth to 5 1/2 months: no fear. You CANNOT spoil a child of this age.
5 1/2 to 7 1/2 months: hold down the development of excessive crying by providing lots of good stuff for baby to do. (Guidance provided as to what "good stuff" constitutes.)
-cultivate "healthy selfishness". It is perfectly acceptable to let your child's needs wait upon yours once in a while! Further, it's GOOD FOR your child's social development.
7 1/2 to 14 months: comfort a child when in true distress, but don't race to cuddle and reassure after every small mishap. (And since most children start walking at this age, there will be lots and lots of small bumps and tumbles to practice this one one!)
-diapering is one of the first opportunities to teach your child that while they have the right to express their feelings they sometimes have to do things they don't want to. Mom and dad will not cave every time baby "throws a fit".
14 to 22 months: no matter how well you manage this phase, your child will regularly resist your authority. Hang tight - this doesn't mean your baby doesn't love you, or that you're doing anything wrong. You can't "do a first-rate job of creating a desirable agreement without your baby occasionally becoming very unhappy with the limits you have set". It's just what it is. As long as you don't "yield to that unhappiness on a regular basis", the result will be a child of 24 months who will actually STOP testing your authority. Imagine the peace!
Let’s end this with a quote that sums the philosophy of the book superbly:
“The core lesson [that your child must learn by the time she’s two is] that she is extremely precious and loved, and that her needs are very important, but that she is no more precious than anyone else in the world, nor are her needs more important than those of other people, especially yours.”