Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Just a Leeeetle Accident

We are preparing to go out. The children are all wearing their sweaters or jackets, and the ones in diapers are wearing their shoes. The undiapered ones are being sent to the toilet one at a time before donning footwear. George is putting his shoes on, and Darcy awaits his turn when there is a call from upstairs. Arthur is on his way down, talking, talking, talking. This is nothing out of the ordinary, of course. Except he's explaining something. "I got some pee on the floor. There's a leeeetle bit of pee onna floor. It's okay, because it was just an accident. Accidents happen, sometimes. Just a little bit of pee onna floor, because I forgot to push my penis down." Understand that none of this is at all anxious. He's not worried about my response and trying to calm me down in advance, he's just talking. Talking, talking, talking. He's not even talking to me. All these words are being addressed to his feet, in calm and cheerful conversational tones, as he comes, one step, one step down the fifteen stairs. "Sometimes when the pee comes fast, you can have a little accident, and sometimes when the pee comes fast, a liiiittle pee will get onna floor, but it's okay because accidents happen, sometimes, and I just didn't push my penis down in time, but I'm just a little boy and sometimes when you're just little you can get a little pee on the floor and that's okay and it's not hard to clean up because sometimes pee just comes a little fast and you if you don't push your penis down it gets on the floor a little bit..." I pass through the wall of words and go up to survey the damage. "A little bit of pee." The ammonia stench makes my eyes water, and the pee! The pee, it runs from the front of the toilet to the wall beneath the sink, trickles round the garbage pail, peeks coyly up from under the toilet brush in its stand, and meanders down alongside the tub. I'm not even sure I can get into the room without stepping in some. How can one small bladder have produced so much? "I forgot to push my penis down". Judging from Lac Urine in my bathroom, he "forgot" for the entire duration of a 90-second pee. Judging from the complete lack of any hint of yellow tinge in the bowl not a drop went down. In fact, I strongly suspect that after the first startled reaction, he simply sat back and enjoyed the glistening arc, nodded in happy pride at his manly production, and hummed along with the musical tinkle of liquid hitting the tiles. "Forgot", my ar...nevermind. We were a little delayed getting out this morning, but my bathroom, she now sparkles like the dew.

17 Comments:

Blogger kittenpie said...

oh, ugh. My head might have exploded at that one. accidents I can weather calmly, but not paying attention does get to me.

4/12/2006 01:34:00 PM  
Blogger Chag said...

Loved the "Lac Urine" line! My daughter somehow manages to get pee on the floor once in awhile. Puzzles me.

4/12/2006 01:38:00 PM  
Blogger Peter said...

He sounds like Rain Man.

4/12/2006 03:02:00 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

OMG. I can't even imagine that much pee from a pre-schooler. I *have*, however, personally witnessed how fast pre-school pee can come out.

4/12/2006 03:24:00 PM  
Blogger Granny said...

As long as it wasn't my bathroom, it's hilarious.

4/12/2006 03:56:00 PM  
Blogger McSwain said...

Thanks for yet another good giggle. I make My Boy clean up his own messes these days, but he still has lousy aim. Do you have any wise suggestions on how to handle that?

4/12/2006 06:07:00 PM  
Blogger LoryKC said...

LOL!
This sounds like my bathroom a week ago!!!
When I asked "were you AIMING for the ceiling?" -- his first reaction was was widening his eyes and smiling like "what a GREAT idea" (I'm the idiot that suggested it, of course) and then said "YES! I WAS aiming for the ceiling but I just got the walls and the floor."
I've said it before and I'll say it again...MAN would my boy LOVE to hang out with the boys in your house!!!

4/12/2006 10:31:00 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

I've read that twice, and both times it cracks me up! I know that's really sad, because if it was me there'd be some major issues with whatever child it was- but yet his 'explaining' and your dialogue make it so funny- when I'm not the one dealing with it!

4/13/2006 12:15:00 AM  
Blogger mo-wo said...

It is like an epidemic this week. When I delivered e. to daycare today I got the news that yesterday our oldest dc pal had 2 accidents!

Fear not I didn't use up all my sympathetic ear on our local care giver. Poor you.

4/13/2006 12:43:00 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

Wow! I wonder what my father-in-law's excuse is? (EVERY time he visits!!) Maybe he's just enjoying his manly production?

(Though I suspect, since our toilet/bathroom is black (the house came that way) he just can't see where his arc is going.)

4/13/2006 03:06:00 AM  
Blogger Mary P. said...

Kittenpie: Oh, you missed the significance of a line in my second-last paragraph. I don't think it was inattention: I think he deliberately sat back and watched the aquatechnics!

Chag: That's a weird one. Unless her panties and socks are also wet, I'd be puzzled too...

Peter: Rain Man was smarter. And much, much faster. Arthur talks continuously, but slowly, and enunciates each word with great (and inaccurate) deliberation.

Kristen: I've been part of that frantic rush to get all the relevant clothing outoftheway - fast! With kid not helping a whole lot, what with all the hopping from one foot to another they're doing! LOL

Granny: That's how I thought people would react. As a friend of mine says, "Well, it could have been worse." Then he waits a beat, grins, and says, "Could have been ME." Ho, ho, ho...

Cheryl: Well, my solution to lousy aim has always been to make them sit down, but Arthur WAS sitting down. However, except for him it's always worked... Or there are those things you can get for toilet-trainers that float in the bowl, and they try to hit and flush away when all's done? Some even change colour when they're hit!

Lorykc: A former uncle-in-law, when a small child, was scolded by his mother for having doused the bathroom. He looked up at her in some indignation and said, "Have YOU ever tried to steer one of these things??"

The man is a respected psychiatrist now, closing in on retirement, but the story lives on...

Angela: Oh, I was not pleased with the boy! Still, I can't ignore a good story when I see one, so onto the blog it goes!

mo-wo: I would have been more relaxed about it had I thought it was truly an accident... Poor me, indeed.

Weirdgirl: EEEEWWW! Three-year-old's pee is one thing. Full-grown adults is entirely another. In our house, the rule is, you miss, YOU clean it up. I can see where you can't do that to your FIL, though!

Have you tried asking MIL about it? (Is there a medical issue? Or maybe, as you suspect, it's vision.) Maybe he should just SIT DOWN. I don't know why some men would rather leave pee all over the room than park their butts. In a private home, where no one knows you sat, but everyone knows exactly who can't aim worth beans... Which is more demeaning, really???

4/13/2006 07:47:00 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I've been too afraid to ask. (And that's one of the reasons why I have a cleaning service. What I don't have to clean won't irk me. La la la.)

4/13/2006 10:38:00 PM  
Blogger LoryKC said...

My guy still sits 95% of the time. And yet...well, I've commented already.
I don't get it but then, I don't have the ability, either.

4/13/2006 10:46:00 PM  
Blogger Mary P. said...

Weirdgirl: Uh-huh. I can see where it would be awkward to ask. Lucky cleaning service - but at least they get paid.

Lory: This boy was sitting, too. I picture him leaning back and letting nature take its course. Had we the time, I'd have made him "help clean". Not the entire thing, but just enough to make him tired, bored, and maybe (oh, I can dream) disgusted. Not this time, and oh (dreaming again) how I hope there isn't a second!

4/14/2006 08:02:00 AM  
Blogger Homestead said...

Oh... so much to look forward too....

4/14/2006 03:28:00 PM  
Blogger Mother On an Island said...

Ok, this weeee little bit of a story totally cracks me up. I have little boy, 11 months old, and now I wonder- will he too forget to push his penis down someday? Most certainly. I might think of your story when it happens. Hee hee.

4/14/2006 06:06:00 PM  
Blogger Mary P. said...

Homestead: How old is Sweet Boy now???

Mother on an Island: Welcome!! Yes, indeed, he will forget. Or, he will remember, and somehow push it in the wrong direction. Or maybe, as in this case, it's not so much a matter of forgetting as preferring the upward arc to the downward arrow...

4/14/2006 07:34:00 PM  

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